Inspired but still f*ck'd

I am a fan of Pastaqueen.com...blogger of massive weight loss and enjoyed her book and posts. I like her because she is funny and morose at times and seems real and she started around where I am now. I am close to the 400lb mark but haven't weighed and video'd and picture'd til I OFFICIALLY START.
No, I haven't prepared my environment and I feel yucky and guilty and stupid and wonder what the hell is wrong with me....then I think maybe I shouldn't write how I really feel for the whole world to see, esp my Aunt who is horrified by my fatness. but then aren't you supposed to unburden yourself?...plus I really wanna put some scary underwear obese pictures on here but am a little too chicken...ideally naked would be the most honest but then do you want it to live on the internet forever and printed out and mocked?...probably a bad ego driven mistake I should try and avoid.

I still have my go to the frigging grocery store phobia. I desperately need to go and to my PO Box which I haven't picked up for 2 weeks.

I had JackintheBox croissant no bacon, orange juice and potato sticks and then tonight I ate IN&OUT hamburger no tomato and 2 fries and a milk. I have no food in my house.

Grocery store tomorrow morning?...maybe.

carb monkey still on my back

Yes yes carb junkie...still on my back. I didn't start on Aug 1st----I didn't have the carb binge I wanted to have...I went to Brents and had a hot turkey sandwich w/mashed potatoes...didn't eat the bread...and some chocolate chip rugella. I had Tommy's chili and onion hamburger and fries today after seeing that movie JULIE/JULIA (the butter!)but I am MAJORLY jonesing for tuna casserole with rice and potato chips. I have my weird grocery store phobia happening now which means I am weird about not going to the grocery store at all so that means drive thru or pizza delivery. It takes me days and days to talk myself into going to the grocery store...even just to buy the food I need to plan for the no carb thing.arrrggghhhh trying not to hate myself. Virginia and I used to call them "fairwell feasts" but this one isn't going too well. I also crave grapefruit and cantelope like crazy so I have to include those in the binge. Not sure when I will get to the store and start...tick tick tick tick....

Almost here

I put an ad on Craigslist for people who might want to do this with me. I hope I get some replies. I asked for no hate mail but I am sure I will get a bunch of those...people on CL are brutal to fat people...so much nicer to be a skinny alcoholic or a skinny crack head or heroin addict. Carb addicts unfortunately carry around their addict for all to see.

New Diet plan

I just bought that book METABOLISM B and it makes sense so on Aug 1st I am going to go on it religiously. You have to stick to phase 1 for 8 weeks, weigh and measure your body and then NOT weigh or measure for the whole 8 weeks. You also have to do 30min of exercise a day----which, I desperately need to do but will probably have to limit to 6 five minute sessions during the day. I am going to take horrible almost naked pictures and put the black bar over my eyes...when I get thru the first 8 weeks I will (hopefullY) post the most hideous and the improved images on here.

Starting again

I first called my blog TBB------TRANSIENT BITTER BRAIN. It reflected my mind at the time but I was still working in hell. Now it is almost a year since I quit hell and I am starting to feel fiesty and more like my old (younger) self.

Problem-BIG GIANT SOUL SUCKING MEGA PROBLEM IS THE FAT. FAT FAT FAT. It is out of hand...not as bad as it was...I would say when I was sick from the mold in Hell and bedridden, I must have been about 450 lbs...I wore a 6X t shirt...loose but still...now I am in 3X shirts and weigh is around 400...I will take a reading for my start Wed.

There are so many things I have missed concerts. trips, dinners, Disneyland because I was too fat to go and knew I wouldn't fit or would be uncomfortable so I cancelled. Lotta money wasted too on things I paid for and cheesed out on.

So I still feel like ranting online and maybe it will help me, the writing cure, the writing diet---just sharing with other people...maybe it will make things easier. I am not ready to put up a picture at this point but soon. I bought a flip camera so I can do it easily.

Ju-ly

I fell down on the job again, didn't keep up with this at all.
I will write more later. I just got a Flip camera and I have to learn how to use it.
It's July 4TH and I am going to dinner at vampire husbands.

3-28-09 manifestations

Today was a good day.

2 Woman's Day Magazines from 1965
11 vintage cook books for a great price
free lunch
London postcards.
cream cheese to take home

I am thankful and appreciate the good things that come to me so easily.
I am here to experience joy and to give joy to others.