Starting-FINALLY!!!

Geeze, I know. I didn't realize BIGGEST LOSER was starting tonight and I was flipping between that and MORE TO LOVE. MTL started with some BIG girls but then in the end it came down to the two smaller but with big tits. Typical. I just envy big tits. At 500lbs I would still have B with a tuck. Hell tonight on BL the men had bigger man boobs than I have. I was jealous. I also forgot since it was the debut that they would weigh in after one week tonight in the same show so most of them are pretty huge and lost like 15-20 lbs in a week. I had promised my friend I would listen to my hypnosis CD today and I did and it helps me so much.

MY history is in 2004 I joined POSITIVE CHANGES and I lost 120 lbs in about 9 months. The place went out of business....some scammy biz deal gone bad and so I bought $300 worth of the CDs online and the glasses so I have no excuse. Problem is, I was doing so excellent, I was up to walking around the lake 5 miles every morning, then I would get a Mcgriddle egg & cheese and a milk and throw the hash brown in the freezer---and have milk or coffee and I took a grip of vitamins and I would get a turkey,lettuce mayo what bread sandwich and eat half for lunch and half for dinner. I was walking around the parking lot in HELL for my breaks and lunch and then eating waldorf salad from Gelsons and maybe a chicken sandwich from Jack in the Box w/swiss cheese, throw the top bun away and milk....but then my world crashed.

My mother told me the Taz died ---no problem whoo hoo have a party!!! (hated my father-abusive insane alcoholic) BUT what I didn't realize is my mom lived in utter chaos and madness and had been lying to me for 20 years. I was brow beaten into going to check on her and lost my mind, but more than that---the HARDEST thing was that she said how fat I looked. Yes, I had lost 130lbs and was at 270 and pretty proud and feeling strong and good in bike shorts and a tshirt and she said that...mind you she looked like an elf. She was 68lbs....an anorexic and crazy but it hurt me to my core. I stopped exercising and hypnosis and gained it all back +

I was so stupid, I beat myself up because if I would have picked myself up and ignored her I would have reached my goal weight and my world would be sooooo different and I would not have undone this...not only am I starting over I am HEAVIER. ARRRGGGGHHHH I am trying to not loathe myself.

More tomorrow. measure, weigh and shop for some food.