I did the subliminal hypnosis really early and fell in hard drooling sleep in 5 minutes so that was great! If I had been in the place I would have been snoring.
The thing I notice first w/listening to the CDs is they put some kind of weird averson to fast food in my head/stomach. I remember this from before. I think and want to go but then what I think about ordering sounds icky and I get a pit feeling and so I just can't talk myself into going...like everything is greasy and the thought makes me nauseous. This, of course, is a GREAT thing.
I ate better today, baby steps. Strawberries on colon blow cereal w/1% milk and some grapes and raw almonds, the worst was 2 organic apple turnovers...300 cal each and a small Totino crispy pizza w/the sauce wiped off....(I like a thin thin veneer of sauce) mostly like a cracker.
I ran out of crunchies for the cat so I HAVE to make myself go to Albertsons in the morning at 7am before the fireball burns my retinas out.
Tomorrow I aim to WALK two times around the pool. Sad that this will be hard-yes it is actually hard for me to do such a tiny thing. Baby steps.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
yeah yeah sucky day
I did not weigh, did not meaure. I did not go outside. Inertia rules.
I watched The View and I did do my sublim hypnosis. That was the plus du jour.
I did not go to the grocery store or Trader Joes. I was awake all night listening to Gary Null and his dire talk of bad health and politics...switching to BBC worldservice when I realized it was the damn fund beg. I hate the fund-beg....they say the phone number too many times.
What I ate-dregs of the empty house...I ate celery w/some Skippy peanut butter. I ate a bad of sweet maui onion potatoe chips from the 99 cent store. I ate a bag of salted peanuts in the shell from the dollar store. I ate a tiny pack of chicken spooge from Nutrisystem on some fake ritz like crackers....it's like cat food. I ate half a package of marshmello cookies from the 99 cent store. Water and my multivitamin, a biotin, a primrose oil and a potassium. bleh I feel bloated and like crap and since I BARELY moved I have the swollen up bad tire thighs which ache and make it impossible to walk and or go to the car.
The thigh thing is excess lymph I believe. It is creepy and hurts like achy not stabbing pain. I know that if I just move MOVE more it gets better...just pushing thru that pain....puts me back on the chair or the bed.
I started reading Jenette Fulda's Half assed book again. She just started, she had gall bladder surgery and that kind of pushed her into dealing with the fat. I liked her book the first time because she wasn't overly dramatic or a food nazi or exercise nazi. And she didn't have that 12 stepper attitude when they have like a month sober and they become overbearing know it alls who feel the need to crow about how they are now qualifyed to tell everone else how to live. Subset of AA includes the fucked up on the Lord Jesus people. They replace drugs and alcohol with meetings and the bible and get the feverish urge to SHARE with one and all. I love how they all smoke like maniacs and mainline bad strong coffee while pretending those two behaviors are not compulsive. OA was not for me. I don't like that whole victim mentality.
I wonder (dr. phil) what is my PAYOFF for being so fat? I will ponder.
I watched The View and I did do my sublim hypnosis. That was the plus du jour.
I did not go to the grocery store or Trader Joes. I was awake all night listening to Gary Null and his dire talk of bad health and politics...switching to BBC worldservice when I realized it was the damn fund beg. I hate the fund-beg....they say the phone number too many times.
What I ate-dregs of the empty house...I ate celery w/some Skippy peanut butter. I ate a bad of sweet maui onion potatoe chips from the 99 cent store. I ate a bag of salted peanuts in the shell from the dollar store. I ate a tiny pack of chicken spooge from Nutrisystem on some fake ritz like crackers....it's like cat food. I ate half a package of marshmello cookies from the 99 cent store. Water and my multivitamin, a biotin, a primrose oil and a potassium. bleh I feel bloated and like crap and since I BARELY moved I have the swollen up bad tire thighs which ache and make it impossible to walk and or go to the car.
The thigh thing is excess lymph I believe. It is creepy and hurts like achy not stabbing pain. I know that if I just move MOVE more it gets better...just pushing thru that pain....puts me back on the chair or the bed.
I started reading Jenette Fulda's Half assed book again. She just started, she had gall bladder surgery and that kind of pushed her into dealing with the fat. I liked her book the first time because she wasn't overly dramatic or a food nazi or exercise nazi. And she didn't have that 12 stepper attitude when they have like a month sober and they become overbearing know it alls who feel the need to crow about how they are now qualifyed to tell everone else how to live. Subset of AA includes the fucked up on the Lord Jesus people. They replace drugs and alcohol with meetings and the bible and get the feverish urge to SHARE with one and all. I love how they all smoke like maniacs and mainline bad strong coffee while pretending those two behaviors are not compulsive. OA was not for me. I don't like that whole victim mentality.
I wonder (dr. phil) what is my PAYOFF for being so fat? I will ponder.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Starting-FINALLY!!!
Geeze, I know. I didn't realize BIGGEST LOSER was starting tonight and I was flipping between that and MORE TO LOVE. MTL started with some BIG girls but then in the end it came down to the two smaller but with big tits. Typical. I just envy big tits. At 500lbs I would still have B with a tuck. Hell tonight on BL the men had bigger man boobs than I have. I was jealous. I also forgot since it was the debut that they would weigh in after one week tonight in the same show so most of them are pretty huge and lost like 15-20 lbs in a week. I had promised my friend I would listen to my hypnosis CD today and I did and it helps me so much.
MY history is in 2004 I joined POSITIVE CHANGES and I lost 120 lbs in about 9 months. The place went out of business....some scammy biz deal gone bad and so I bought $300 worth of the CDs online and the glasses so I have no excuse. Problem is, I was doing so excellent, I was up to walking around the lake 5 miles every morning, then I would get a Mcgriddle egg & cheese and a milk and throw the hash brown in the freezer---and have milk or coffee and I took a grip of vitamins and I would get a turkey,lettuce mayo what bread sandwich and eat half for lunch and half for dinner. I was walking around the parking lot in HELL for my breaks and lunch and then eating waldorf salad from Gelsons and maybe a chicken sandwich from Jack in the Box w/swiss cheese, throw the top bun away and milk....but then my world crashed.
My mother told me the Taz died ---no problem whoo hoo have a party!!! (hated my father-abusive insane alcoholic) BUT what I didn't realize is my mom lived in utter chaos and madness and had been lying to me for 20 years. I was brow beaten into going to check on her and lost my mind, but more than that---the HARDEST thing was that she said how fat I looked. Yes, I had lost 130lbs and was at 270 and pretty proud and feeling strong and good in bike shorts and a tshirt and she said that...mind you she looked like an elf. She was 68lbs....an anorexic and crazy but it hurt me to my core. I stopped exercising and hypnosis and gained it all back +
I was so stupid, I beat myself up because if I would have picked myself up and ignored her I would have reached my goal weight and my world would be sooooo different and I would not have undone this...not only am I starting over I am HEAVIER. ARRRGGGGHHHH I am trying to not loathe myself.
More tomorrow. measure, weigh and shop for some food.
MY history is in 2004 I joined POSITIVE CHANGES and I lost 120 lbs in about 9 months. The place went out of business....some scammy biz deal gone bad and so I bought $300 worth of the CDs online and the glasses so I have no excuse. Problem is, I was doing so excellent, I was up to walking around the lake 5 miles every morning, then I would get a Mcgriddle egg & cheese and a milk and throw the hash brown in the freezer---and have milk or coffee and I took a grip of vitamins and I would get a turkey,lettuce mayo what bread sandwich and eat half for lunch and half for dinner. I was walking around the parking lot in HELL for my breaks and lunch and then eating waldorf salad from Gelsons and maybe a chicken sandwich from Jack in the Box w/swiss cheese, throw the top bun away and milk....but then my world crashed.
My mother told me the Taz died ---no problem whoo hoo have a party!!! (hated my father-abusive insane alcoholic) BUT what I didn't realize is my mom lived in utter chaos and madness and had been lying to me for 20 years. I was brow beaten into going to check on her and lost my mind, but more than that---the HARDEST thing was that she said how fat I looked. Yes, I had lost 130lbs and was at 270 and pretty proud and feeling strong and good in bike shorts and a tshirt and she said that...mind you she looked like an elf. She was 68lbs....an anorexic and crazy but it hurt me to my core. I stopped exercising and hypnosis and gained it all back +
I was so stupid, I beat myself up because if I would have picked myself up and ignored her I would have reached my goal weight and my world would be sooooo different and I would not have undone this...not only am I starting over I am HEAVIER. ARRRGGGGHHHH I am trying to not loathe myself.
More tomorrow. measure, weigh and shop for some food.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
No-still didn't get groceries
I played on the HP site for their video contest. I thought I did it right but they never uploaded my videos so maybe I messed up somewhere. I also found out just now that my super sticky post it notes did not get in the finals. wahhhhhhh so sad...and I now have no hope for my 2 amazon.com ads. Oh well. I learned stuff and at least I tried and I finished and submitted them. (pat pat)
I am working up to the no carb/low carb thing...I remembered that over a year ago I joined Kimkins so I logged back in and she really has a lost of good positive stories and recipes. I think it will help me with the Metabolism Miracle diet. I found no carb protein powder they recommend but it's $58 on amazon. I also found a low 2 net carb bread place online.
getting closer but haven't started yet.
I am working up to the no carb/low carb thing...I remembered that over a year ago I joined Kimkins so I logged back in and she really has a lost of good positive stories and recipes. I think it will help me with the Metabolism Miracle diet. I found no carb protein powder they recommend but it's $58 on amazon. I also found a low 2 net carb bread place online.
getting closer but haven't started yet.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Inspired but still f*ck'd
I am a fan of Pastaqueen.com...blogger of massive weight loss and enjoyed her book and posts. I like her because she is funny and morose at times and seems real and she started around where I am now. I am close to the 400lb mark but haven't weighed and video'd and picture'd til I OFFICIALLY START.
No, I haven't prepared my environment and I feel yucky and guilty and stupid and wonder what the hell is wrong with me....then I think maybe I shouldn't write how I really feel for the whole world to see, esp my Aunt who is horrified by my fatness. but then aren't you supposed to unburden yourself?...plus I really wanna put some scary underwear obese pictures on here but am a little too chicken...ideally naked would be the most honest but then do you want it to live on the internet forever and printed out and mocked?...probably a bad ego driven mistake I should try and avoid.
I still have my go to the frigging grocery store phobia. I desperately need to go and to my PO Box which I haven't picked up for 2 weeks.
I had JackintheBox croissant no bacon, orange juice and potato sticks and then tonight I ate IN&OUT hamburger no tomato and 2 fries and a milk. I have no food in my house.
Grocery store tomorrow morning?...maybe.
No, I haven't prepared my environment and I feel yucky and guilty and stupid and wonder what the hell is wrong with me....then I think maybe I shouldn't write how I really feel for the whole world to see, esp my Aunt who is horrified by my fatness. but then aren't you supposed to unburden yourself?...plus I really wanna put some scary underwear obese pictures on here but am a little too chicken...ideally naked would be the most honest but then do you want it to live on the internet forever and printed out and mocked?...probably a bad ego driven mistake I should try and avoid.
I still have my go to the frigging grocery store phobia. I desperately need to go and to my PO Box which I haven't picked up for 2 weeks.
I had JackintheBox croissant no bacon, orange juice and potato sticks and then tonight I ate IN&OUT hamburger no tomato and 2 fries and a milk. I have no food in my house.
Grocery store tomorrow morning?...maybe.
Friday, August 7, 2009
carb monkey still on my back
Yes yes carb junkie...still on my back. I didn't start on Aug 1st----I didn't have the carb binge I wanted to have...I went to Brents and had a hot turkey sandwich w/mashed potatoes...didn't eat the bread...and some chocolate chip rugella. I had Tommy's chili and onion hamburger and fries today after seeing that movie JULIE/JULIA (the butter!)but I am MAJORLY jonesing for tuna casserole with rice and potato chips. I have my weird grocery store phobia happening now which means I am weird about not going to the grocery store at all so that means drive thru or pizza delivery. It takes me days and days to talk myself into going to the grocery store...even just to buy the food I need to plan for the no carb thing.arrrggghhhh trying not to hate myself. Virginia and I used to call them "fairwell feasts" but this one isn't going too well. I also crave grapefruit and cantelope like crazy so I have to include those in the binge. Not sure when I will get to the store and start...tick tick tick tick....
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Almost here
I put an ad on Craigslist for people who might want to do this with me. I hope I get some replies. I asked for no hate mail but I am sure I will get a bunch of those...people on CL are brutal to fat people...so much nicer to be a skinny alcoholic or a skinny crack head or heroin addict. Carb addicts unfortunately carry around their addict for all to see.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
New Diet plan
I just bought that book METABOLISM B and it makes sense so on Aug 1st I am going to go on it religiously. You have to stick to phase 1 for 8 weeks, weigh and measure your body and then NOT weigh or measure for the whole 8 weeks. You also have to do 30min of exercise a day----which, I desperately need to do but will probably have to limit to 6 five minute sessions during the day. I am going to take horrible almost naked pictures and put the black bar over my eyes...when I get thru the first 8 weeks I will (hopefullY) post the most hideous and the improved images on here.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Starting again
I first called my blog TBB------TRANSIENT BITTER BRAIN. It reflected my mind at the time but I was still working in hell. Now it is almost a year since I quit hell and I am starting to feel fiesty and more like my old (younger) self.
Problem-BIG GIANT SOUL SUCKING MEGA PROBLEM IS THE FAT. FAT FAT FAT. It is out of hand...not as bad as it was...I would say when I was sick from the mold in Hell and bedridden, I must have been about 450 lbs...I wore a 6X t shirt...loose but still...now I am in 3X shirts and weigh is around 400...I will take a reading for my start Wed.
There are so many things I have missed concerts. trips, dinners, Disneyland because I was too fat to go and knew I wouldn't fit or would be uncomfortable so I cancelled. Lotta money wasted too on things I paid for and cheesed out on.
So I still feel like ranting online and maybe it will help me, the writing cure, the writing diet---just sharing with other people...maybe it will make things easier. I am not ready to put up a picture at this point but soon. I bought a flip camera so I can do it easily.
Problem-BIG GIANT SOUL SUCKING MEGA PROBLEM IS THE FAT. FAT FAT FAT. It is out of hand...not as bad as it was...I would say when I was sick from the mold in Hell and bedridden, I must have been about 450 lbs...I wore a 6X t shirt...loose but still...now I am in 3X shirts and weigh is around 400...I will take a reading for my start Wed.
There are so many things I have missed concerts. trips, dinners, Disneyland because I was too fat to go and knew I wouldn't fit or would be uncomfortable so I cancelled. Lotta money wasted too on things I paid for and cheesed out on.
So I still feel like ranting online and maybe it will help me, the writing cure, the writing diet---just sharing with other people...maybe it will make things easier. I am not ready to put up a picture at this point but soon. I bought a flip camera so I can do it easily.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Ju-ly
I fell down on the job again, didn't keep up with this at all.
I will write more later. I just got a Flip camera and I have to learn how to use it.
It's July 4TH and I am going to dinner at vampire husbands.
I will write more later. I just got a Flip camera and I have to learn how to use it.
It's July 4TH and I am going to dinner at vampire husbands.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
3-28-09 manifestations
Today was a good day.
2 Woman's Day Magazines from 1965
11 vintage cook books for a great price
free lunch
London postcards.
cream cheese to take home
I am thankful and appreciate the good things that come to me so easily.
I am here to experience joy and to give joy to others.
2 Woman's Day Magazines from 1965
11 vintage cook books for a great price
free lunch
London postcards.
cream cheese to take home
I am thankful and appreciate the good things that come to me so easily.
I am here to experience joy and to give joy to others.
Friday, March 27, 2009
The cruise
I want to go on the CelebrityInfinity Alaska Cruise w/Abraham-Hicks in July and havemy own cabin with a patio (veranda) and I really really think I can do this. I can see it so clearly and I know I would meet some fun like minded people and maybe a guy....maybe...? It costs $5000.
I picture myself on desk enjoying the brisk ocean air and watchin dolphins play. I have wonderful coffee and croissants for breakfast and go to movies in the ship theater evey night late. I have a wonderful book to read and notesbooks to write in and I am in better shape and easily exercise by walkin laps around the promenade desk every day.
I picture myself on desk enjoying the brisk ocean air and watchin dolphins play. I have wonderful coffee and croissants for breakfast and go to movies in the ship theater evey night late. I have a wonderful book to read and notesbooks to write in and I am in better shape and easily exercise by walkin laps around the promenade desk every day.
3-27-09 Manifestations
2 CFL bulbs
Lace tablecloth
red tablecloth
bottle rosewater lotion
enamel teapot
3 perfect close parking spots this morning
Lace tablecloth
red tablecloth
bottle rosewater lotion
enamel teapot
3 perfect close parking spots this morning
Monday, March 23, 2009
MANIFESTATIONS-100 DAY CYCLE
Perfect Leather Recliner
3 beaded lamps
free movie popcorn
Free lunch at Marmalade
$25 check
$33 check
3 beaded lamps
free movie popcorn
Free lunch at Marmalade
$25 check
$33 check
Starting on 3-23-09
Creating my new reality with conscious choices and directed intentions.
I signed up for a 100 day cycle with Lilou Mace from youtube. Start was supposed to be 3-15-09 but a week late is ok. I am peaceful with the timing. I intend to focus my intentions on the good things I see and want to manifest and appreciate where I am now, this, now, today, now tonight, now. I have had trouble with telling the stories of the past and thinking/worring about the future and I want to let those both go.
I want to apppreciate the good health that I have in this body right now and help to feel better and better to the ultimate place of using it to travel the world where I can meet new people and see new things and appreciate new experiences.
I will no longer apologize for being fat. I take care of my body and appreciate it!
The opinions of others who think they know what I should be doing---they are a buzzing little fly that I easy shoo away because I do only things that make me feel good and give me joy and appreciation.
I signed up for a 100 day cycle with Lilou Mace from youtube. Start was supposed to be 3-15-09 but a week late is ok. I am peaceful with the timing. I intend to focus my intentions on the good things I see and want to manifest and appreciate where I am now, this, now, today, now tonight, now. I have had trouble with telling the stories of the past and thinking/worring about the future and I want to let those both go.
I want to apppreciate the good health that I have in this body right now and help to feel better and better to the ultimate place of using it to travel the world where I can meet new people and see new things and appreciate new experiences.
I will no longer apologize for being fat. I take care of my body and appreciate it!
The opinions of others who think they know what I should be doing---they are a buzzing little fly that I easy shoo away because I do only things that make me feel good and give me joy and appreciation.
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